In search of the perfect tan...
Ok first let me give you this little disclaimer:
I am a redhead and have a peaches and cream complexion (aka whitest woman on the beach) that seems to allow me to blend into the sand on the beach when I dare to go...
I have to decided to be proactive this time...and TAN!...Well first I went to a tanning bed...the woman took one look at me...stared at me like I had 8 heads and then put on some sunglasses and said you can only stay 5 minutes each visit for the first week...I am like 5 minutes!!!! Well she relented however never removing those sunglasses and said 10 minutes but it is your red ass not mine...
So I am like YEAH...I am doin' the strut thinkin' ohhh I will be tan in say about 30 days!!! woodayumhoo! So I go in for my piddly 10 minutes...what shades girl forgot to mention is the NEW bulbs...well 10 minutes to a near albino is like setting your toaster to 8 outta 10 settings...OMG!!!! I was so friggin' red...even my nipples ached and my NETHER REGIONS (YIKES)...As you can surmise, I didn't return back to the hell coffin with flourescent lights...
After the hell coffin with flourescent lights, I decided to try something NEW and INNOVATITIVE...the delightfully cool and refreshing mystic tan. Yes you too can step into the shower of color...which shockingly resembles a gas chamber...after you strip to your bday suit...and put on the attractive, complimentary shower cap, you must read ALL the instructions prior to gassing yourself...oops I mean tanning yourself...
Once the instruction MANUAL has been read, you must rub cream on your dry spots...I am thinking that could apply to lots of things...and have they been peeking? You step into the chamber of oxygenless bliss...and close your eyes, face shower shockers of hell, hold your breath...but while all of this is going on they fail to mention the stuffage coming outta those shower heads is at Artic temps...so you open your mouth to scream your protest...and YEP!!! you guessed it...the magic tanning mist gets in your mouth, which then causes your eyes to fly open...as you gasp and hack for air...this all seems to be taking place slowly when in fact your life is passing before you in a matter of ten seconds as you spin around like you are on a friggin' rotisserie of death...
After all that, I remained pale and pasty...with tan eyes...and tongue...NEXT!
Next I decided to try some of those much advertised self tanners...like most Americans I am all about simplicity...so I buy the spray kind....WARNING!!!!! NEVER do that...after you spray it on...a day or two later you begin to lose tan flakes...NOT a pretty site, unless the Michael Jackson look is ever IN...(I am still contemplating writing THAT company a strongly worded email...rolling my eyes)
Next I went for you run-of-the-mill lotion...BUT you should ALWAYS read what level of color you will get with the application...SHIT! Does burnt leather give you a good enough visual...SHITshitshitshitpussyfeathers!
Alas...I come to the conclusion of the freakishly enthralling yet mysterious quest for the perfect tan...Jergens Natural Glow lotion....I am now the proud owner of my very own glowing skin that makes me appear kissed by the sun itself...and I don't flake, bake or ache...
So I am no longer the sand chameleon...(giggling)
BTW...most of this tale is true...
Happy tanning! .....................................NOT!
Lola
posted by Pam at 11:37 PM
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