Friday, July 28, 2006

In search of the perfect tan...

Ok first let me give you this little disclaimer:

I am a redhead and have a peaches and cream complexion (aka whitest woman on the beach) that seems to allow me to blend into the sand on the beach when I dare to go...

I have to decided to be proactive this time...and TAN!...Well first I went to a tanning bed...the woman took one look at me...stared at me like I had 8 heads and then put on some sunglasses and said you can only stay 5 minutes each visit for the first week...I am like 5 minutes!!!! Well she relented however never removing those sunglasses and said 10 minutes but it is your red ass not mine...

So I am like YEAH...I am doin' the strut thinkin' ohhh I will be tan in say about 30 days!!! woodayumhoo! So I go in for my piddly 10 minutes...what shades girl forgot to mention is the NEW bulbs...well 10 minutes to a near albino is like setting your toaster to 8 outta 10 settings...OMG!!!! I was so friggin' red...even my nipples ached and my NETHER REGIONS (YIKES)...As you can surmise, I didn't return back to the hell coffin with flourescent lights...

After the hell coffin with flourescent lights, I decided to try something NEW and INNOVATITIVE...the delightfully cool and refreshing mystic tan. Yes you too can step into the shower of color...which shockingly resembles a gas chamber...after you strip to your bday suit...and put on the attractive, complimentary shower cap, you must read ALL the instructions prior to gassing yourself...oops I mean tanning yourself...

Once the instruction MANUAL has been read, you must rub cream on your dry spots...I am thinking that could apply to lots of things...and have they been peeking? You step into the chamber of oxygenless bliss...and close your eyes, face shower shockers of hell, hold your breath...but while all of this is going on they fail to mention the stuffage coming outta those shower heads is at Artic temps...so you open your mouth to scream your protest...and YEP!!! you guessed it...the magic tanning mist gets in your mouth, which then causes your eyes to fly open...as you gasp and hack for air...this all seems to be taking place slowly when in fact your life is passing before you in a matter of ten seconds as you spin around like you are on a friggin' rotisserie of death...

After all that, I remained pale and pasty...with tan eyes...and tongue...NEXT!

Next I decided to try some of those much advertised self tanners...like most Americans I am all about simplicity...so I buy the spray kind....WARNING!!!!! NEVER do that...after you spray it on...a day or two later you begin to lose tan flakes...NOT a pretty site, unless the Michael Jackson look is ever IN...(I am still contemplating writing THAT company a strongly worded email...rolling my eyes)

Next I went for you run-of-the-mill lotion...BUT you should ALWAYS read what level of color you will get with the application...SHIT! Does burnt leather give you a good enough visual...SHITshitshitshitpussyfeathers!

Alas...I come to the conclusion of the freakishly enthralling yet mysterious quest for the perfect tan...Jergens Natural Glow lotion....I am now the proud owner of my very own glowing skin that makes me appear kissed by the sun itself...and I don't flake, bake or ache...

So I am no longer the sand chameleon...(giggling)

BTW...most of this tale is true...

Happy tanning! .....................................NOT!

Lola

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, I am well known for not learning from my own mistakes, but I EXPECT THE REST OF YOU TO! Did my burnt ladybug teach you nothing???

7:46 AM, July 29, 2006  
Blogger Samantha Alice said...

You know I'm laughing with you, not at you, right?

Aw, hell, I'm laughing at you, too, but take solace in the sure and certain knowledge that you'd be rolling on the floor if'n it were me telling the same story.

Geez, almost makes me feel guilty for my new tan lines...

almost...

Love you, Girlfriend! Thanks for this weekend!!!

7:09 PM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Pam said...

Biscuit...I should think after this weekend you would know how hard headed I can be (giggling)...

5:41 AM, August 02, 2006  
Blogger Pam said...

Sammie...you guilty NOW I am laughing AT you! Hey I am always glad to provide a lil entertainment when I can...

I had a great time this weekend so THANK YOU!!! (even if you are flaunting you tan lines in my general albino direction)

Love ya

5:43 AM, August 02, 2006  
Blogger Siren said...

I laughed so hard this weekend I had stitches for days. They are almost gone. Almost.

That's the kind of injury you want to get on vacation. Just sayin'.

Love you! Miss you! Can't wait to crank call you when I get back from the cruise and start back to work! Hugs! -S.

12:37 AM, August 05, 2006  
Blogger KellyKline said...

Do you think yer little white ass could light the way next year if we go out on the beach at night?

3:51 PM, August 09, 2006  

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